Coach Calvin Transcript
Scene 1: The freak-out (Episode starts with a Basketball game being held, Calvin and Hobbes are in the stands carrying concessions) Calvin: Get your concessions! Get your lousy, pathetic, heart-attack inducing concessions! Hobbes: I don't think anyone is going to buy them by saying stuff like that. Calvin: Yeah? You think I wanted to spend the last, precious hours of the weekend by being forced to do some stupid task I didn't want to do?! Hobbes: Well, you doused the entire faculty with Gatorade, I don't see anything wrong with this. (Calvin throws a Sprite at Hobbes, and the two begin to fight in the stands before they crash onto the scorers' table.) Moe: Twinky?! What are you doing here?! Calvin: Moe?! You play Basketball?! Moe: Yeah! I'm one of the star players on the team! Calvin: Oh baloney! I'm the greatest at everything! I could go beat Michael Jordan 1v1 if I had the chance to! (Before Moe can respond, the buzzer goes off, and Moe goes back into the game) Hobbes: Okay Lavar Ball, you can dream, but you don't need to hallucinate. Calvin: Shut up Ken Carter and watch the game. (Calvin watches as Moe is passed the ball, dribbles it, and makes a 3-pointer.) Announcer: And the Bobcats' Moe Westing has made his 12th 3-pointer of the game! Calvin: BOOOO! YOU STINK MOE! YOU TAKE STEROIDS! THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOUR GOOD! YOU CHEAT! Hobbes: Your just jealous because he actually has talent unlike you. (Calvin shoves Hobbes to the ground) Hobbes: Then again, maybe he DOES take steroids and he's good at hiding it... (Cuts to 1: 27 left in the game, Moe gets a breakaway, then is shoved from behind by a player from the other team, sending Moe into the wall) Calvin: Ha! Take that Moe! Referee: Flagrant 1 on the Bobcats by Number 21. (Crowd Boos) Moe: What?! He shoved me! Referee: You tripped him first. Moe: I did not! Referee: (Blows Whistle) Technical Foul Bobcats Number 21. (Crowd boos even more) Moe: WHAT?! Coach: HE DID NOTHIN! THAT'S TWO BAD CALLS IN THE SPAN OF TWO SECONDS! Referee: (Blows Whistle) Technical Foul Bobcats Coaching Staff (Crowd boos even louder) Coach: WHAT?! Calvin: YEAH! WOO! THIS IS THE LIFE! THROW THEM OUT! THROW THEM OUT! THROW THEM OUT! (Hobbes elbows him) Calvin: Oh sorry, I forgot I can't enjoy myself. Coach: THIS IS STUPID! YOU'RE RIGGING IT FOR THEM! RIGGING IT! Referee: (Blows Whistle) Your outta here! Coach: WHAT?! (Crowd begins throwing objects down onto the court) Calvin: YEAH! KEEP IT COMING! THROW MOE OUT AS WELL! Referee: (Blows Whistle) Game is forefited, Bobcats recieve automatic disqualification from the win. (The Crowd boos like insane, and the Coach is going insane) Coach: YOU'RE INSANE! THIS IS STUPID! RIGGED! BIASED! EVERYTHING YOU DID WAS WRONG! (Grabs possession pylon on the scorer's table and throws it at the ref, then grabs the control board and tosses it at him as well, as the ref runs out of the stadium.) Hobbes: Ooo... That's a suspension. Calvin: What? All he did was toss some stuff at the ref, what's wrong with that? Hobbes; Uh, a lot of things. He'll probably get a game or two. Calvin: Eh, I heard these fools are going into the playoffs anyway, so what could happen? Scene 2: The new problem (Cuts to the next morning in Principal Spittle's office) (Principal Spittle is working at his desk when the phone rings, he answers it) Principal Spittle: Bill Watterson Elementary School. This is Principal Samuel Spittle speaking, how may I help you? Commissioner: Hey Sam, this is the Commissioner speaking here. Principal Spittle: Ah, Mr. Commissioner! How are you on this fine Monday Morning? Commissinoner: Eh, I'm alright I guess. Listen Sam, I'm sure you're aware there was a Basketball game yesterday. Principal Spittle: I knew there was a game, I never found out what the score was though) Commissioner: Yeah, about that... Your coach went crazy after a call and the ref threw him out of the game, he went insane and started throwing stuff at him, cursing at him, you get the idea... Principal Spittle: What?! Oh dear, I'm dearly sorry Mr. Commissioner, I'll talk to him about it. Commissioner: Its not your fault Sam, he's the one that went crazy. Buuuut... I have no choice but to suspend him for the last two games of the season, plus the playoffs. Principal Spittle: I understand, seems reasonable. Commissioner: Good, glad to hear it. Well, I got other stuff to attend to, so I hope I'll see you again in the near future. (Hangs up) Principal Spittle: Oh boy, now ANOTHER issue to deal with. (Cuts to the Athletic Director's Office) Principal Spittle: Well, that's out as well... We've come up with every option we could think of and its hopeless! We'll never find a replacement coach for the rest of the season! Athletic Director: I mean, I would do it, but the Superintendent wanted me to help out Charles Schultz High with pre-season Baseball and Lacrosse workouts... so I'm going to be busy with that this year... I just don't know what we can do... I know! The next person that comes into the office we'll make the Basketball coach! Principal Spittle: That seems a bit risky, but that's not a bad idea! (Suddenly, a garbage can plows into the Athletic Director's office, and crashes into the desk. Calvin then emerges from it) Calvin: Darn you Moe! I promise I'll get back at you! Somehow! Principal Spittle: Oh boy... Calvin: What? What's going on here? Athletic Director: Wait, you look familiar... Wait, aren't you the Noodle Incident kid? As well as that kid that rigged the Football Championship against us that one time? Calvin: I WAS FRAMED ON BOTH OF THEM! Athletic Director: Right... Um... So... Principal Spittle: Look Calvin, our Basketball Coach got suspended for the rest of the season- Calvin: Oh yeah! I was there! There was a riot! You should've been there! Ha! Principal Spittle: (Rolls Eyes) Anyway, we were looking for someone to Coach the team and... Calvin: Oh, you want me to Coach huh? Athletic Director: I mean, yeah, I guess, considering you seem to be the only one willing to... Calvin: Great! How much do I get paid? Principal Spittle: Uh, you don't get paid for coaching an elementary school basketball team Calvin... Calvin: WHAT?! I DON'T GET PAID?! THIS IS JUST LIKE THE TRACK TEAM AS WELL! Athletic Director: Look kid, we'll pay you after the season ends, how about that? Calvin: Deal! Now, time to start preparing my practices and game plans... BWAHAHAHAHA! (Leaves the office) Principal Spittle: I think we just made a very big mistake... Athletic Director: Heck, if we can trick him into thinking we'll actually pay him, I'll take it. Principal Spittle: But don't you remember what happens when we give Calvin ANY sort of authority? Athletic Director: Well Sam, its either him, or the JV-B Soccer Coach at the High School. Principal Spittle: Him?! I'd take Calvin over him in a heartbeat! That guy would probably cause the whole team to quit! Athletic Director: In that case Sam, I'd say this is our best bet. Principal Spittle: Sure, I mean, what's the worse that could happen? Scene 3: The first practice (Cuts to the gym, the basketball players are standing around) Moe: Where's Coach at? He'd normally be here by now. Player 1: Beats me. (Suddenly Calvin, comes crashing into the gym riding a cart full of basketballs, and crashes it into one of the mats) Calvin: I'm okay! Moe: Twinky? What are you doing here? Calvin: Don't ask questions yet you fool! Now all of you get on the base line! (The players get on the base line) Calvin: Alright, so I suppose you're all wondering where your basketball coach is. Correct? All the players: Yes. Calvin: Well, I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but after your coach's er, temper tantrum? Yeah, temper tantrum at your game on Sunday, the league has suspended him for the rest of the season, including the playoffs. (The players gasp) Player 2: What?! Player 1: Whose gonna coach us now?! Moe: Coach didn't do nuttin' wrong! That ref deserved it! Calvin: Relax. The good news is that I'm your new basketball coach for the rest of the season. Players: WHAT?! Moe: Twinky, you've never coached a sport in your life! Plus, you're like the most least-athletic person I know! Player 3: Moe's right! We need someone with experience! Calvin: Oh quit whining. Trust me, I promise that I'll lead this team to the championship! And I guarantee it! Moe: Twinky... Player 4: Come on, Moe. The kid has a point. We haven't won a championship in ten years! Besides, I'm sure he's played basketball before. Calvin: I actually have in another universe... Moe: Right. OK, Twinky, you're in as our replacement. Scene 4: The planning (Cut to Calvin and the team in the locker room.) Calvin: OK, team. We want to win, right? Team: RIGHT! Calvin: So we have to practice hard. I know that you have the potential to be good, but right now, the team sucks. Adn what do we do when we suck? Player 1: We're on the way to the playoffs! How does that suck? Calvin: Because the last time you made the playoffs, you people got knocked out in the preliminary round. So what do we do when we suck? Player 2: Practice? Calvin: Close. WE RUN WIND SPRINTS LIKE IN GYM CLASS! (Cut to the players running tiredlessly around the gym.) Calvin: Wow, this is great! And I'm not even the gym teacher! OK, SQUAD! SHOOT HOOPS UNTIL YOUR ARMS GET TIRED! (The players stop running and each grab a basketball, and they proceed to shoot. Shows a montage of practice. As it ends, Calvin stands in front of a whiteboard.) Calvin: OK, gang. We have our next game against the Lonsdale Griffins. We have enough practice, so go home and practice more. (The players leave. Cut to Calvin's room. Hobbes is reading a comic book as Calvin enters the room.) Hobbes: Where were you? You're home late. Calvin: Basketball practice. Hobbes: You joined the basketball team? Calvin: Yeah. It's great. Hobbes: Great? Since when does Calvin Grayson, hater of all sports, love basketball so much? Calvin: I'm not a player, I'm a coach. Hobbes: Aren't you too young to be the coach? Calvin: No, Spittle and the Athletic Director chose me for some reason. Hobbes: Oh, boy, I can see where this is going... Scene 5: The last three games of the regular season (Cuts to Lonsdale Elementary School's Gym, Calvin and the team are in the locker room) Calvin: Alright suckers, we're about to play The Lonsdale Griffins. I don't know much about them, do you guys? Player 6: Their one of the worst teams in the leauge! They've only won twice this season! Calvin: Perfect! Easy win for me- I mean, us! (Hobbes rolls his eyes) Calvin: Alright, lets see here... Oh yeah! The starting lineup. Okay, Jimmy, you're gonna be point guard. Ralph, take the Right Wing Aiden, you take the left wing. And Sam and Chase, you guys take the defensive wings, or whatever you call them. Player 2: Why are you starting some of the bench players? Calvin: DON'T QUESTION MY SUPERIOR SKILL OR ELSE YOU'RE BENCHED! Moe: This game is going to go well... (The game starts, the players struggle tremendously, and after the first quarter, they Bobcats are losing 8-17.) Calvin: Okay, so we had a rough first quarter. Lets bounce back the second one! Or else you'll be benched! Moe: Who's going to go in? Calvin: Uh... same as the first quarter. Moe: Twinky, their tired! Give them some rest and put some of us in! Calvin: Shut up or you're benched as well Moe! (Shows a montage of the game, with the Bobcats failing horribly, and they end up losing 15-45) (Buzzer sounds) Referee: That's the game! Calvin: Darn it! We lost! Ugh... Hobbes: Well maybe if you didn't keep your starting five in for the whole game, you might've won. Calvin: Shut up fleabag. (Cuts to the locker room) Calvin: Okay, first off, that was PATHETIC! You people have obviously never played a game in your lives! Player 3: You only played the same people the entire game! They were exhausted! Calvin: I DON'T CARE! THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE! SO BE READY FOR PRACTICE MONDAY RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL! OR ELSE... (Cuts to practice, the players are running around the gym exhausted) Moe: Twinky, we've already ran 40 laps! Can we please have a water break? Calvin: No! Give me 60 more and then you can! (Cuts to Calvin making the players doing excruciating workouts and drills throught the practices, cuts to the end of Friday's practice) Calvin: Alright chumps. We have our second to last game of the regular season tomorrow against the Washington Monuments. I think we'll have a good game tomorrow. We practiced hard this week, and I think it'll show tomorrow. (Shows a montage of the next game, cuts to the last 30 seconds of the game, the Bobcats are down 25-22.) Calvin: Cmon, just need another 3-pointer and we'll be tied! (Moe goes to try and snag the ball away, but slips and twists his ankle) Moe: Gah! I twisted it! Player 3: Coach Calvin? I think Moe's hurt, you should probably call for a time out and sub him out. Calvin: Nah, there's less than 30 seconds left, hes fine. Hobbes: I don't think that's a good idea Calvin... Calvin: Who's the coach, you, or me? (One of the players steal the ball and take it down to the other side of the court, Moe limps over to the three point line) Player 1: Gotta pass it, gotta pass it! Moe! Take it! (Passes ball to Moe) (Moe attempts to move up a little and take a 3-point shot, but falls) Calvin: MOE YOU IDIOT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! YOU IDIOT! WE HAD THIS GAME WON UNTIL YOU BLEW IT! COME HERE YOU LITTLE- (Referee blows whistle) Referee: Technical foul Bobcats. Calvin: WHAT?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! Referee: You went out of the coach's box. That's an automatic technical! Calvin: WHAT?! NOBODY TOLD ME THAT RULE! THIS IS RIGGED! I BET THEY PAID YOU OFF DIDN'T YOU! HUH? HUH? (Calvin gets pulled back by some of the players while yelling) (The other team makes both of their tech shots, and win the game 27-22) (Cuts to the locker room) Calvin: YOU IDIOTS! WE LOST AGAIN! THIS IS ALL BECAUSE MOE WAS SO BAD HE CAN'T MAKE A THREE POINTER, AND THE REF GAVE ME A TECH FOR NO GOOD REASON! Moe: I TWISTED MY ANKLE AND YOU DIDN'T SUB ME OUT! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT TWINKY?! Calvin: I EXPECT YOU TO MAKE AN EASY SHOT THAT COULD'VE TIED US THE GAME! Moe: YOU'RE CRAZY TWINKY! CRAZY! Calvin: ENOUGH! In order for us to win our last game of the regular season, the idiots who were on the court last that cost us the game will be benched for the next game. Team: WHAT?! Player 7: Those guys are our best players! Calvin: I DON'T CARE! MY WORD IS FINAL! AND DON'T BACK-SASS ME OR ELSE YOU'RE BENCHED! BE READY FOR ANOTHER EXCRUCIATING WEEK OF PRACTICE! (Shows a montage of practice) Calvin: Alright suckers, last regular season game tomorrow against the Providence Seagulls. Even though we've already been locked into the playoffs for weeks now, we need to win. And I know it that we will. (Shows a montage of the next game, which goes horribly, and the Bobcats lose yet again 10-45) Calvin: IDIOTS IDIOTS IDIOTS! ONCE AGAIN, YOU CAN'T PERFORM UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS! Player 1: YOU WERE BENCHING PEOPLE FOR MAKING MINOR MISTAKES! Calvin: PERFECTION IS KEY HERE! MAKE ONE MISTAKE, AND YOU'RE DONE FOR! Moe: THIS ISN'T THE NBA TWINKY! Calvin: SHUT UP MOE! BE READY FOR PRACTICE AGAIN, WE'LL BE INCREASING THEM BY TWO HOURS TO GET YOU IDIOTS GOING CORRECTLY! Scene 6: The disastorous first playoff game (Shows montage of practice, cuts to the first playoff game in the locker room) Calvin: Alright, we're up against the Trojan Horses. If we can actually pull off what we've done this week, we can win this! So lets do this! (Shows a montage of the game, the team finally manages to play really well, and it cuts to the final minute of the game, the Bobcats are down by one) Calvin: Finally! We have an actual chance of winning now! Nothing could possibly go wrong! Hobbes: I wouldn't say that if I were you. Calvin: Why? Hobbes: Because everytime you say that, something does go wrong. Calvin: Shut up. (Moe gets the ball, and attempts to get a breakaway, but one of the players on the other team trips Moe, who falls and loses the ball, and another player from the Bobcats falls into Moe. No foul is called however) Calvin: HEY! THAT'S A FLAGRENT TWO RIGHT THERE! OPEN UP YOUR EYES REF! Referee: That was a clean play coach. Calvin: CLEAN?! THAT WAS THE DIRTIEST CRAP I'VE EVER SEEN! I BET YOU WERE PAID OFF BY THE OTHER TEAM! (Referee blows whistle) Referee: Tecnhical foul Bobcats Hobbes: Uh oh... Calvin: WHAT?! I WAS INSINUATING THE TRUTH YOU IDIOT! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Referee: One more word coach and you're outta here! Calvin: SHUT UP YOU ATHIEST! (Calvin grabs a chair and THROWS it across the court at the ref, which misses) Hobbes: Nice chair throw Bobby Knight... Referee: (Blows whistle) YOU'RE OUTTA HERE! Calvin: RIGGED AS HECK! I HAD THIS GAME WON! YOU REFS SUCK! YOU MAKE JOEY CRAWFORD LOOK LIKE A GOOD REF! Referee: Leave! Calvin: NO! ITS A FREE COUNTRY! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT! (Referee gives Calvin another tech, and another, and more as Calvin refuses to leave the court taking off his shirt and pants to prove a point, until Hobbes drags him out) (Cuts to the locker room) Moe: I can't believe it. We trusted you twinky! And thanks to you, we lost our last four games! Calvin: THIS WAS RIGGED! WE SHOULD'VE WON THIS TIME! Player 4: Well we should've won our other games as well! Calvin: Don't lose hope! We still have a chance! Moe: How?! Its one and done twinky! Calvin: They could find one of the kids on the other team inelligible to play, so we still might have a chance! Moe: Don't get your hopes up twinky, that's highly unlikely. Player 2: Yeah, maybe when Coach is back next season we'll actually win it. Calvin: Oh shut up idiots, you people stink anyway. We wouldn't of gotten anywhere if it wasn't for me. Plus, just blame Moe for this, since he acts like he's the next Lebron James or whatever, but really if he even makes it to the NBA, he'll be a bust like Lonzo Ball will be, then he'll get sent down to the G-League, then get fired, and then spend the rest of his miserable life flipping burgers at McDonald's. Same for the rest of you, because you all think that way to that you guys are so good, when really your all trash! I could've played and won the game 1v5! Moe: You really think that way do you now twinky? Calvin: Yes, because you all stink! Moe: CMON HERE YOU LITTLE- (Moe lunges at Calvin, and the two begin wrestling all over the locker room, with the players attempting to seperate the two) Hobbes: Sheesh, I've heard of players getting mad at coaches before, but this takes the cake... Calvin: GET OFF ME YOU IDIOTS! Moe: NO! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET TWINKY! Player 5: Calm down guys! (Eventually, they manage to seperate Calvin and Moe, and the players leave, leaving Calvin and Hobbes alone in the locker room) Calvin: Well, maybe I did go wrong somewhere... Hobbes: Maybe? I think there were a lot of factors Calvin... Calvin: Now don't YOU lose hope as well! Hobbes: I know, but its pretty unlikely. Calvin: Well... You're right... maybe we won't get lucky after all... Scene 7: The rally (Cuts to the Athletic Directors' Office on Monday, Principal Spittle is there as well) Principal Spittle: Well THAT was humiliating... Athletic Director: You were right Sam, that was a bad idea... (Phone rings) Athletic Director: Hello? Ah yes, Mr. Commissioner. Mhm... Mhm... Wait, really? Wow! Thank you! (Hangs up) Principal Spittle: What is it? Athletic Director: We're back in the playoffs! They found a few of the kids on the team to be ineligible to play! Principal Spittle: Great! We better tell the team! (Grabs loudspeaker) Would the boys' basketball team please report to the Athletic Director's office? (Cuts to when the whole team is in the office) Moe: So we're back in the playoffs? Principal Spittle: That's correct! They found some of the players on the other team to be inelligible to play, so you guys are heading to the next round in the playoffs! Calvin: YES! I was right! Told ya they'd get caught! (The players roll their eyes) Athletic Director: SO yeah, make the most of this chance you got, you may never get one like this again. Calvin: Don't worry, I'll coach them to victory! And this time I swear I will! Principal Spittle: Well that's great and all Calvin but, can you like not embarss the school when you're coaching? Calvin: How did I embarss the school? I didn't do anything THAT bad. Athletic Director: The referees said that you stripped down to your underwear. Calvin: I was trying to prove a point! Those refs were paid off! Principal Spittle: Whatever... Just try not and embarss us, okay? Calvin: Yeah, sure. Whatever. ALRIGHT CHUMPS! BE READY FOR ANOTHER GRUELING PRACTICE AFTER SCHOOL TODAY! BWAHAHAHA! (Shows a montage of practices throughout the week, and shows a montage of the team winning games, it cuts to the Semi-Finals, the Bulldogs are down by 1 with 20 seconds left, Calvin has called a time-out) Calvin: Alright, we're down by one, we got 20 seconds left in the game. Anybody know what we gotta do? Player 3: The flop play? Calvin: Yes! Exactly! Now go do that so we'll get a foul call, then sink the free-throws, and we'll win this! (The team goes back on the court, play resumes. A player from the other team tries to go in for the basket, but one of the players on the Bobcats pulls off the flop move perfectly, and they get the free-throws) Opposing Coach: Oh come on! That kid flopped! Calvin: Quit whining you baby! Not like your team was going to win anyway! Opposing Coach: We're up by 1! Your kids stink at free throws anyway! Calvin: OH YEAH?! (Calvin and the Coach continue to argue the whole time, while Moe makes both free-throws, and the Bobcats prevent the other team from scoring, and the Bobcats win) (Buzzer sounds, whistle blows) Calvin: ALSO! I- wait, games over? Referee: Uh, yeah... Your team won. Weren't you paying attention? Calvin: Uh, sure. (The referee rolls his eyes and leaves) Calvin: Ha! In your face sucker! Whose team is better now? Opposing Coach: Why you little... (The opposing coach attempts to grab Calvin, but Calvin makes a run for it, and the players look on a Calvin is chased around) Scene 8: The finals (Cuts to the Finals, the team is in the locker room before the game) Calvin: Alright chumps. We've finally made it, the championship game. If we win this game, we'll go down as the best basketball team in Rhode Island sports history. Player 6: Uh, you do realize we're playing Jim Davis Elementary right? Calvin: Yeah, I know. They play dirty. I raced them back when I did track for a couple of days, that A.J. kid was an idiot. Player 5: You mean A.J. Robinson? Calvin: Yes! That kid was such a jerk! Is he in jail now? Player 5: Uh, no. He's the team's leading scorer. Calvin: Eh, who cares? We got Moe, he'll help us. Moe: Yeah! You bet I will! Calvin: This game should be an easy win for us, in my opinion that is! Player 3: But they've won the State Championship the last two years in a row! Not to mention they've been undefeated for the past two years as well! Calvin: Who cares?! We'll beat them for sure! If we just do what we've been doing! (Cuts to the court) Announcer: Welcome everybody to the Rhode Island Elementary School Basketball State Championship! Tonight's matchup if between the two-time defending state champions: the Jim Davis Elementary School Fatcats, and the Bill Watterson Elementary School Bobcats! (Crowd cheers, shows Principal Spittle, the Athletic Director, and the Commissioner watching in the stands) Commissioner: Excited for the game Sam? Principal Spittle: Yes, just a little nervous. I just hope our replacement coach doesn't crack under pressure. Athletic Director: I'm sure he'll do fine. Sure he's six and that, but I wouldn't worry too much. Commissioner: I have to admit it Sam, I thought you two were crazy putting in that kid who rigged the Football Championship against you as the Coach, but he's done alright I have to say. Though he does have a temper, he's gotten like 12 techs in the 7 games he's coached, and only got ejected that one time, where he got several of them. Principal Spittle: We've worked on it kinda... Athletic Director: The kid is 6, we can't control him that well... (Cuts to the bench) Calvin: Oh great, that stupid ref that threw me out for no reason in the first playoff game is reffing this game... Moe: He's the same one that threw out Coach as well! Player 3: He has some personal vendetta against us I think. Calvin: It doesn't matter, we can win this! Even if the ref sucks, we can win, if we just continue to do what we're doing, there's no way we can lose! Now lets go! (Shows a montage of the game, the game is fiercely competitive, with both teams managing to stay close in score the entire match, cuts to the final two minutes of the game) Hobbes: Alright, you got two minutes left, game's tied. You going to sub in one or two of them like you said you would? Calvin: Yeah... I was just trying to figure out who needs to come out. Alright Rob and Jimmy, go in for Sam and Joe. (Players sub in, play begins again) Calvin: Ugh... Hobbes: What's wrong? Calvin: I'm trying to think of a way we can run away with this thing... Hobbes: I don't think that's likely, that A.J. kid you hate has gotten a vast majority of their points. The only thing that could stop them is if he got hurt... Calvin: Got hurt... Yeah... (Lightbulb appears) Yo ref! Time out! Referee: Time out Bobcats. Calvin: Alright suckers, we got 1:27 left. We're tied 38-38. You know how that A.J. kid is scoring all those points? Players: Yes. Calvin: Well here's what I want you to do, I need you idiots to get him off the court! Injure him! Break his leg or spine! I don't care how you hurt him, just do it! Player 2: Can't we just like try and get him to foul out or something? He's already has 4 fouls. If he gets one more, he''ll foul out. '' Calvin: Oh... Yeah! Just do what he said! Alright! Lets go win this thing! (Play resumes, A.J. goes to make a basket, but one of the players runs into him, and gets knocked to the ground by A.J.) Referee: Foul, number 16, Bobcats. Calvin: WHAT?! HE SHOVED HIM TO THE GROUND! GIVE A FOUL TO HIM! NOT MY PLAYER! Referee: Technical foul Bobcats. Calvin: OH COME ON! RIGGED AS HECK! THIS IS JUST AS BAD AS THAT FIRST PLAYOFF GAME! Hobbes: Calm down Calvin... Commissioner: Sheesh, this ref really seems to favor Jim Davis' team a lot... Principal Spittle: Well, he's the ref... He knows what's going on. (The Fatcats make both tech shots) Calvin: Moe! Moe: Yeah twinky? Calvin: Tell the guys to give that ball to you! You're the only one I trust to give us the win! Moe: Alright, I'm on it twinky. (With 30 seconds left, Bobcats still down by two, Moe is passed the ball and goes for the shot, but is rammed to the ground by a player from the other team) Referee: Foul number 21, Bobcats. Calvin: CMON! HE WAS SHOVED TO THE GROUND! Player 1: Hey! Moe's hurt! Calvin: What? Moe: (Limps to the bench) I hurt my leg or something twinky, and I might've twisted my ankle a little. I need to be subbed. Calvin: Alright Moe... Hmm... Well, I didn't think it would have to come to this, but I guess it has. Hobbes: What are you talking about? (Calvin takes off his shirt to reveal himself wearing the number 85 for the Bobcats) Calvin: I added myself to the roster in the rare case that I needed to become the savior for the team. I'm subbing out Moe! Announcer: In for the Bobcats, number 85, Calvin Grayson! Wait, isn't he the coach as well? Calvin: Yes I am! I'm a player-coach! Bet you can't say you've coached and played in the same game! Ha! Moe: Oh boy, we're gonna lose... (Play resumes, the Fatcats have the ball, and go to shoot to put the game away, but Calvin somehow manages to jump up, catch the ball, and starts dribbling down the court and shoots the ball with 1 second left, with A.J. blocking him, but Calvin JUMPS over him, and manages to grab the ball and slam it into the net, which breaks the entire backboard. The entire crowd is silent) Referee: No good! Calvin: WHAT?! THAT WAS GOOD AND YOU KNOW IT! Referee: I can still toss you kid! Commissioner: HOLD IT! (Everyone looks to see the Commissioner walking down to the court, and grabs a microphone) Commissioner: As Commissioner, I overrule the call and declare it good! Bobcats win! Calvin: YES! I DID SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE! Referee: WHAT?! (Stack of money falls out) Commissioner: Ah, so you were paid off by Jim Davis, weren't you now? Referee: Well I uh... Commissioner: Your fired! And I want the Jim Davis Head Coach to see me in a few minutes once I get the trophy presentation over with! (Meanwhile, the team has surrounded Calvin in cheers thanks to his shot) Moe: You actually did it twinky! I didn't think you could do it! But you did! Player 2: Great job man! We're champs again! Player 6: Without you, who knows what would've happened! Calvin: Ha ha! I knew we'd win! Against all odds we did it! Ha! Woo! (Cuts to the trophy presentation) Commissioner: And so, I'd like to congratulate Bill Watterson Elementary School on their first basketball championship in a decade! (Crowd cheers) Principal Spittle: I'm amazed, I can't believe we did it really, given the circumstances. Atheltic Director: Well, it all payed off in the end Sam. Commissioner: And now, I'd like to present the David Stern trophy to the interim head coach, and player, Calvin Grayson! (Crowd cheers as Calvin gets the trophy and hoists it up in the air) Calvin: WOO! CHAMPIONS BABY! YEAH! So now where's my money? Athletic Director: Oh boy... Principal Spittle: Calvin, you do realize coaching is a volunteer job right? Calvin: So? Commissioner: So you don't get paid. They just told you that because nobody else was willing to coach, and since you were the only one willing to do it. Calvin: YOU MEAN I DID ALL OF THIS WORK FOR NOT A SINGLE PENNY?! Commissioner: Uh, yes... Calvin: COME ON! You know what? I'm keeping this trophy, so I can say that I was the champ for once! Later suckers! Principal Spittle: Come back here Calvin! Moe: Get twinky before he gets too far! (Calvin runs out of the gym with the trophy, with the team, Principal Spittle, and the Atheltic Director chasing Calvin.) Commissioner: Darn it, I didn't even give them their medals yet! Hobbes: Knowing Calvin, he wouldn't even take the medal, because he wants to biggest award possible from anything... (Cuts to the next day, Calvin and Hobbes are watching TV) Calvin: Boring, boring, boring... Nothing good on as usual. Hobbes: Try ESPN, maybe they got a game on or something. Calvin: Alright. (Calvin switches the channel to ESPN, First Take is on) Max Kellerman: Alright next up, we have a case about a elementary school basketball team from Providence, Rhode Island. Last night, the Bill Watterson Bobcats Basketball team won the state championship in probably the most bizzare ways possible. So apparently, their regular coach gotten suspended for an incident that happened several games before hand. And their replacement coach was a six year old who attends the school, who's name is Calvin Grayson. He did probably the strangest thing in a basketball game that you could ever do, that being he put HIMSELF into the game, and scored the game-winning basket in the craziest way! (Shows video of Calvin's game-winning dunk) Calvin: Wow! I can't believe it! I made it on to ESPN! Now people will finally know who I am! Soon, the movie deals, talk show appearences, tv shows, commercial, and coaching deals will soon be upon me! Hobbes: Lets not get too ahead of ourselves now. Max Kellerman: And to make things even weirder, the referee for the game is now apparently facing charges for taking bribes to rig it for the other team! Talk about crazy huh? What do you think Stephen A? Stephen A. Smith: Well I heard about this whole stary, and this is by FAR the most RIDICULOUS thing I've ever seen! This kid was unqualified! And whoever the idiot was that allowed him to coach should be fired! Who thinks its smart to put an incompetent six year old as a coach?! Most of their wins with them came out of luck! Oh yeah! Pull up that other one of him literally stripping down to his underwear! (Shows clip) Calvin: Hey! Nobody ever told me someone recorded that! Stephen A: This kid got away scot-free! No punishment whatsoever! The only reason they got to the next round because the other team got disqualified! That league is seriously messed up! Its blasphmous how this team won! They didn't deserve it whatsoever! Plus, that kid is the Noodle Incident kid! (Calvin shuts off the TV annoyed) Hobbes: You know you messed up pretty bad when even ESPN knows you caused the Noodle Incident. Calvin: I WAS FRAMED! Hobbes: Whatever... Calvin: Hmm, I probably should go call ESPN... Hobbes: Why? Calvin: To complain to them about Stephen A. Smith being a total moron about my brilliance, and to force them to give me a 30 for 30 documentary! Hobbes: (Sighs) He'll never learn... (Episode ends)